By Mar-Vic Cagurangan
Variety News Staff

THE best things in life are free. Huh? Never heard of that? Apparently, neither has the government of Guam, which is attempting to take every opportunity to turn government service into a business venture.
Consider the Department of Parks and Recreation’s attempt to claim ownership of the sun by ridiculously proposing to charge a $10 fee on weekend revelers who want to set up a canopy and hold a picnic at the park.
The Guam Fire Department had a similar fee proposal for canopy use. Thank God for the sanity of the senators who protested these departments’ scheme.
Partying under the canopy is part of the charm of living on Guam. Charge the people for it and not only will you spoil the spirit of the party, but you will also kill the canopy industry because people would stop buying canopies. Maybe some would consider converting the canopy into a picnic mat. But hey, that would be another item for the department to levy another fee.
If you will bother to go through the thick documents containing the new fee schedules, you’ll find that GovGuam wants to levy every step you take, every move you make and every breathe you take.
You’ll be charged $10 for every land-related document that you would submit to the Department of Land Management for recordation purpose. And you thought you’re doing the government a favor by being transparent.
While we’re at it, let me suggest some more taxable items that can raise money for the government. How about allowing the Guam Police Department to charge a license fee for women who own stilettos? Pointed shoes must be regulated because they are similar to possession of a deadly weapon. How about fees for chewing bubblegum, entering drinking bars, holding a rally, asking for alms at the ITC intersection, etc.?
To quote Sen. Judi Won Pat: “What else would be there to do on Guam where we don’t have to pay?”
We don’t mind paying for services that can legitimately be charged. But as Chamber of Commerce chairman Stephen Ruder and some senators say, we don’t want to drain the pockets of ordinary citizens or create a hostile environment, where people see the government as a capitalistic entity out to suck you out, or where the business sector sees the government as a competition.
As Sen. Ben Pangelinan says, fee raises must come with a corresponding lifting of some burdens of taxes. At the same time, the public must get assurance that paying taxes and fees is worth it. If the government is doing its job, the administration wouldn’t need to hire an image consultant, whose salary, by the way, we are also shouldering.
Otherwise, one would be inclined to agree with PJ O’ Rourke, who writes in The Parliament of Whores: “Feeling good about government is like looking at the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.”
(Send feedback to marvic@mvguam.com)