By Mar-Vic Cagurangan
Variety News Staff

MY friend Jesse always tells me, “I saw your byline in the paper.” Meaning, she “sees” my byline but never actually reads any of my stories.
“Hardcore news is boring. I don’t care about government budget. I don’t care about the government, period. There’s nothing in it for me,” she told me the other night.
Jesse’s friend agreed. “I only buy the paper for the crossword puzzle,” she said.
Another friend joined the conversation: “I buy the paper for the comics.”
“I would read the paper if it has stories about dirt, scandal and gossip,” said another news-hater who said she would rather read personal blogs about breakups and heartaches.
“I don’t care about politics. Politicians are full of it,” Jesse said and urged me to switch to writing an advice column.
Jesse is one of the smartest and literate women that I know. And when somebody as smart as she is thinks that the words of Anne Landers and Abby are way more precious than the pompous jargon that politicians spew out, you know the extent by which the government alienates its people. These are same people who incidentally surrender almost a quarter of their income so that those in elective positions can entertain themselves.
But do you think senators, who love to listen to themselves, don’t get bored either? You should see them in the chamber hall, drifting away now and then in the middle of the budget discussion. Ah, numbers are boring.
The danger posed by such apathy is that the government can easily dip its hands into our pockets — raise fees and tax us more — and get away with it. You don’t participate so they think you don’t care.
I guess governments in general are the same all over the world. It’s boring. In a democratic society, there are three branches of government and you wonder why they are called “branches” when there’s nothing that they are commonly attached to other than our wallets and their dangerous penchant for intruding into the smallest corners of our life. Their common idea of “check and balance” and “co-equality” is to fight and guard their fort against possible intrusion by the other branch.
Democracy is a matter of majority rule. Imagine a life decided by the majority. Everybody will have to eat rice and Spam and don’t forget the fenadene. Everybody will wear an earth-colored suit. The books on our bookshelves are only those by John Grisham and Tom Clancy. And since the majority of the population are women, all of us would be married to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would protest that.
Politics can be a drag because political careers are anchored on timorous kind of lies. “I care for our children.” “I’ll balance the budget.” “I will oppose tax increases.” “I’ll eliminate drug problems.” “I will reduce the size of government.” “I agree that something must be done.” “I promote world peace.”
No one is brave enough to tell the truth: “I’m running for public office because it’s cool to be seen on KUAM’s evening news.”
Reporters hang around at the session hall or in Adelup, trying to make sense of what’s going on and translating bureaucratic gobbledegook into human language for human consumption. But who cares about amendments to Sections 5030(K) and 5125 Of Title 5 Of The Guam Code Annotated and Section 5121(E) to Title 5 of The Guam Code Annotated.
Don’t bother to try figuring that out. You might just catch Guamania, (“a kind of mental condition” coined by Stephen Colbert.)
People want to be talked to in a language that they can comprehend. Retirees only want to know when they will get their COLA. Teachers only want to know if they will get paid. Patients want to know if they can be treated properly at GMH. Parents want to know if their children would be safe in schools. And my avid fans, who never actually read any of my news stories, only want to know who’s sleeping with whose wife and husband.
(Send feedback to marvic@mvguam.com)