I ASKED a waitress for a cup of coffee without cream. She said, “I’m sorry, we don’t have cream. You will have to get it without something else.”
Although annoyed, that day was a turning point for me. Like Archimedes during his Eureka moment, or was it Eureka during his Archimedes moment, I stumbled onto a profound economic principle that could revolutionize the world. It could be the biggest idea since socialism, or capitalism, or any -ism. I will call it the Law of Not.
The idea germinated while I was in college. I recall that students would line up to take classes from certain professors and avoid other professors because they were so bad. Even then I knew there was something to this. Why not advertise a class as, “Professor Mumblesteen is not teaching this one.” Then students would flock to it.
The idea spread in my mind like gangrene. What if the same principle applied to the restaurant business? Although I love artichokes, I am aware that many people hate them. So, what if an Italian restaurant made a point on the menu to say, “This dish is artichoke free.” Sales would skyrocket. In fact, they should just call the restaurant “No Artichokes.” I think many people would eat there, confident they have not the slightest chance of running into one of those little alien vegetables.
How about sports? There are many players whose critics outnumber fans. I remember during my youth how much everyone hated Dennis Rodman, the basketball player. People could not stand him. His negative press probably outnumbered Michael Jordan’s positive press by two to one. So, what if a team promoted the fact that they don’t have Dennis Rodman on it. “Come see our game! You are guaranteed not to be exposed to that vermin!” You cannot even say that about a trip to the No Artichokes Italian restaurant, where you just might run into the villain, seeing how he likes Italian food but hates artichokes.
Think of the millions of people who stay away from movies because there are certain actors they cannot stand. My wife feels this way about Nicholas Cage and I similarly avoid Bruce Willis. It isn’t that I have anything particular against Bruce, it is just that he has played the same character in every movie he has ever been in. He is always the troubled, distant, outsider with a “I’m the smartest guy in the room” grin on his face, who is permanently hungover, but in the end will rise and conquer. There, you can send me the $9.50 you were about to shell out for Bruce’s next movie. It will be “Die Hard 20” if Hollywood is any judge of mediocrity.
Back to my point. I would be willing to take a chance on a movie that Bruce Willis was not in, ditto for my wife and Nicholas Cage. Imagine the television spots: “This summer, a blockbuster not starring Nicholas Cage, Bruce Willis isn’t near this one, Arnold Schwarzenegger is nowhere to be seen…” Now you have my attention! Are you annoyed by Leonardo DiCaprio flying his private jet to an interview, only to sanctimoniously brag that his five million square foot house is low carbon, although he cannot explain what that means? Have we got a movie for you! That’s right. Not starring Leonardo, coming to a theater soon. Boy, I would line up for that one.
The Law of Not does not end there. It is so universal it even applies to marriage. Think of how many husbands and wives do not go home right after work because their spouse is waiting for them. The entire corner bar industry is built on this, as are most love affairs. These marriages could all be saved by applying the Law of Not. If she were not home, he would go straight there after work. Imagine this conversation at the water cooler: “Did you and your wife get into a fight last night?” “No, she wasn’t there!” See how easy and fool-proof it is? I think it is in the realm of possibility that divorce could be abolished by applying this principle.
Give it some thought, or better yet, try not to think about it.
BC Cook, PhD lived on Saipan and has taught history for 20 years. He currently resides on the mainland U.S.
BC Cook
