A Crowded Closet
By Leovita Q. Cabrera
Kagman, Saipan
“Sirena, wake up”, I hear what sounds like a whisper of my Mom’s voice. “Sirena, wake up”, I hear once again, but louder. “Sirena, get up. Time to get ready for church”, this time, from a deeper voice. The door closes softly. I realize that was my Dad talking as I slowly found my way to consciousness from that deep sleep I was in. I’ve never been a heavy sleeper but I’ve also never been a morning person. Anything for God for without Him, we wouldn’t be here. What’s ONE Sunday and about forty-five minutes of my time to devote to Him every week? It most certainly isn’t much to ask for.
I get undressed, put a towel on, and make my way to the bathroom. I pass the empty rooms of my two younger siblings but the chaos downstairs reassures me that they aren’t too far ahead of me, in terms of being ready. I can hear my parents struggling to get Napu dressed. “One more sock, Napu. We’re about to be late!” said my Mother. I imagine Tasi sitting on the couch, patiently waiting for my parents to get some kind of control over Napu. He’s always been the more rambunctious of the two. That’s to be expected of a five year old, though and it’s quite fitting as his name means “wave” in Chamorro: the noun not the verb. Tasi is a year older but he displays a maturity beyond his age. Tasi in Chamorro means “sea or ocean”. Like I said, the calmer of the two; but you can’t have one without the other…
That cold shower was definitely what I needed to help myself wake up a bit more. It has become really quiet downstairs so I assume everyone is in the car waiting on me. Luckily, for them and myself, I had chosen an outfit the night before. All dressed and ready to go; I head out the door, get in the car, and squeeze myself in between my siblings who are securely buckled in their booster seats. My parents are upfront with Dad driving, as usual.
We made it to the church just in time. We walk hurriedly to the entrance on the right and form a line as we wait our turn to put our fingers in the Holy Water and do the Sign of the Cross. We make our way to some empty pews next to our fellow church goers.
I really enjoy going to church every week. There’s something about making it through Sunday Mass that makes me feel like everything is okay in this world. However, I’m feeling a little uneasy today. I guess I was in too much of a rush to realize it this morning but the Homily is catching my attention. Father Ryan is talking about Homosexuality and how the Bible says it isn’t right; he continues to give examples of verses.
My mind goes astray a little and I wonder what Uncle Joe is feeling as Father Ryan continues his Homily. Uncle Joe is gay but he is also well respected within the community. I’m not exactly sure how he’s my Uncle or if I was made to call him that simply out of respect but I feel for him right now. I saw him in line outside at the other entrance of the church so I know he’s in here… But let’s pause from Uncle Joe because he isn’t the reason for my feeling uneasy.
I slept late last night because I stayed on the phone for almost 3 hours talking to Alexia, my best friend since junior high. We’re in our junior year of high school and for once, we don’t share any of the same classes, so we spend our Saturday nights catching up with each other. Although, last night’s conversation was different. She told me she ended things with her boyfriend and I was a bit surprised because she really liked him, but what was even more surprising was that she was more happy than I expected her to be…
I lied—that was not the more surprising part and I can’t stop repeating her words in my head. “I know I love you, but I think I might be in love with you, and if you’re willing to, I would like to give us a chance and see where this goes.”
“What do I even say to that? Where do I even start?”, I thought to myself before I told her I would think things through and get back to her.
How crazy is this that the very next day, I get to sit in church and hear about the very thing that could drastically change my life and not only that, but hear about it in such a negative way? For as long as I’ve known Alexia, she’s only brought positivity into my life. Could I possibly be in love with her too? I mean, she’s the only one I talk to and spend time with outside of my family? Is she the reason why I have yet to have a boyfriend, the reason why in my eyes, none of her exes were deserving of her? Are these butterflies I’m feeling? My thoughts change abruptly. Will I go to Hell if I decide to be with her? Father Ryan just said it was a Sin and I’m pretty sure I saw my Dad nod his head in agreement. How will my brothers feel? Will my parents disown me? Surely, they wouldn’t. Right?…
I try to focus on the Mass but my mind wanders off again. Am I another “Uncle Joe”? I could only hope to be as respected as he is. Am I a member of the Gay community? What am I? No boy has caught my attention and I’m just now realizing I might look at Alexia differently than other girls. Am I a lesbian-only for her? Have I been mistaking my feelings towards her for a strong friendship just to keep her in my life? What if things don’t work out and I lose my best friend? Is it worth it to risk our friendship? I can’t make complete sense of my feelings, but I’m sure that I can’t let this opportunity pass me. The fact that I’m even questioning my sexuality tells me that there’s more to myself than being a Heterosexual and the only way for me to find out is to do this. Who better to do this with than my best friend whom I already love and I’m sure, already loves me?
I snap back into reality as I hear the dinging of the bells and the aroma of the incense from the thurible fills the room while the Priest prepares for everyone to receive Communion. The Mass has almost ended and I’ve managed to keep up with the kneeling, and the standing, and the sitting almost in sync with everyone else so I doubt my distracted mind is obvious even if it’s still very distracted… My parents and my brothers stand up and my Mom nudges my arm as her way of signaling me to line up with them. We’re almost to the front so I get my hands ready, left over right, I remind myself. I look around at the people lining up and also, the pews with people who have already received communion and are kneeling in prayer. There’s a term for people who keep their sexuality a secret and it’s called being “in the closet”. It’s baffling to me how I realize I might be “in the closet” while attending Sunday Mass and having listened to how wrong it is… I snicker a little in amusement as I look around again and think to myself, This is a pretty crowded closet.
In recognition of Pride Month —a time to celebrate inclusion and diversity, while also recognizing the need to continue advocating for equal rights and opportunities for all— Marianas Variety has partnered with the Northern Marianas Humanities Council to celebrate diversity in our community. The submissions are from the Humanities Councils’ Pride Talks writing contest. The Council is pleased to collaborate with Marianas Variety in sharing and publishing the winning submissions every Wednesday for the month of June. All the winning works will also be on display at the NMI Museum and presented at various Pride events throughout the month. For more information about how you can join the Council in celebrating Pride this year, check out nmhcouncil.org or follow the Council on Facebook or Instagram (@670humanities).
NMHC Pride Talks has been made possible in part by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Humanities: Democracy Demands Wisdom. Any views, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this feature do not necessarily represent those of the National Endowment for the Humanities.
