HAGÅTÑA (The Guam Daily Post) — The instances of domestic abuse and family violence on the island are hard to quantify as many go unreported, but it’s a real situation that occurs more often than not behind closed doors and often repeatedly.
National statistics show that “intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime,” according to the Guam Coalition Against Sexual Assault & Family Violence website. Locally, the Judiciary of Guam tracked 188 felony cases and 209 criminal misdemeanor cases filed in 2021, identifying a 35% increase in family violence cases compared to 2020.
In numerous instances, the acts of violence are reoccurring, begging the question: Why does the cycle of abuse continue?
The Guam Daily Post spoke with nationally renowned psychotherapist and author Jane Greer, who said that denial plays a large role in being trapped in a toxic relationship.
“I’ve dealt with a lot of people in very unhappy situations and relationships who felt stuck, who were trapped in denial, lying to themselves that it’s not so bad, it could be worse,” she said.
Denial
Denial is a defense mechanism that Greer said makes a person feel safer.
“It’s a way of living with that, which is upsetting, tormenting, that leaves us feeling more pain. It makes the pain more manageable. It enables us to navigate the really horrible elements of life as well as the speed bumps,” Greer said.
Greer says there are four elements of denial, two of which include wishing and hoping.
“When you are in a toxic relationship … you keep wishing and hoping that the person is going to change, that they will be who you want them to be, and that’s what you live on rather than seeing who they really are,” Greer explained.
Not only that, but, according to Greer, the abuser will tell the abused that their “bad behavior” is predicated on the abused person’s actions.
“They blame. They attack. They make you feel badly about yourself. You feel guilty that there’s something wrong with you,” she said. “So they tell you that their hurtful and selfish behavior is because of you lacking and not giving enough and not doing enough or being good enough, and you believe it.”
She said that’s an element of denial that leaves a person “stuck.”
Minimizing
Greer said don’t minimize the abusive behaviors.
“What I say is, it’s worse than you think. And then there’s missing the signs. You see certain behaviors that are clearly thoughtless, selfish, inconsiderate, and you deny it. And you say, ‘Well, he just had a hard day. She’s really tired. She’s not like that. She only did that on occasion.’ Really, really see it and then forget about it,” Greer said.
Forgetting
Forgetting is a core ingredient in denial playing out in toxic relationships.
“It’s like it’s happening for the first time. So the element of surprise is how denial always pops up. … What I teach in my book … is using what you know, seeing the signs, using what you know about them and putting them together, and doing the emotional math. Add it up and expect the kind of behavior that you are going to get, so you can prepare yourself and deal with it,” Greer said.
Second chances
Greer advised against giving “second chances” continuously.
“It’s all based on trust and being able to trust what your partner says that they’ll do and actually does do is constant. And if not, if what they say is different from what they do, then you have to use what you know and say, ‘You know what? If this was important, and they were committed and invested to the relationship, then they would have followed through and kept their word,’” Greer said.
Safety
She said when it comes to a person’s safety, there should be no second chances.
“To me as a therapist, if somebody threatens you with physical harm or your life, believe them, and get out before it happens. If they need to resort to that level and degree of threat and intimidation, you’re not safe. The foundation of any relationship is safety and security, and if that’s how they lay down the groundwork that … can hurt you or kill you, there’s nowhere for this relationship to go but down,” she said.
Jane Greer
