I think your fine newspaper should have a weekly column dedicated to the winners and losers in the CNMI.
Here’s how mine would read:
MARIANAS CABLEVISION. MCV should stand for Marianas Crappy Vision, because we consumers are getting crappy service. While MCV can raise rates faster than you can say “bad service,” they are slow to realize that we consumers deserve live NBA games, especially during playoffs and the finals! We’re missing some incredible games because of your incompetence! According to MCV, live NBA games can only be broadcast when all planets in our solar system have been aligned or, as Channel 42 reads, “when available.” Hey, how about I only pay you when I’m available? How does that sound? What Saipan desperately needs is satellite TV or another cable provider. How I miss Saipan Cable TV! MCV needs to change their slogan from “unbeatable” to “unbeatable because we’re a monopoly and we can do whatever the hell we want.”
While MCV can’t provide live NBA games, they certainly have no problems playing live NHL games. Hockey on Saipan? Of course, I should have known! Saipan has the biggest contingent of hockey fans, most likely because of our extremely cold climate! We have hockey rinks and hockey fans all over Saipan ready to take to the streets to celebrate the arrival of the Stanley Cup finals. Saipan kids sport jerseys of their favorite hockey heroes, such as Dimitry Afanasenkov and Anatolin Kickyourfacein. Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Shaq…never heard of them. Basketball? Never heard of it. But we all know hockey, Saipan’s favorite spectator sport! Thanks MCV! Unnnnbeatable!
The only great thing coming out of MCV is their news team, with the highest accolades going to Bob Coldeen for being the best sportscaster in the Pacific.
ALL CELLULAR PHONE PROVIDERS IN THE CNMI! While people in the states and other parts of the world enjoy low rates like 5,000 minutes for $30 a month, we here on Saipan are less fortunate. Here’s a line from the overplayed Frankenstein-themed radio ad from a local cellular company: “Of course Igor, you too can have a cellular phone for only $150 a month for 1,500 minutes!” Igor: “Master, are you nuts? Do you know how many cases of beer I could buy with that?”
Here’s the million-dollar question: Can cell phone providers drop their rates? Here’s a quote from a cell company insider I’ll call “Cellulina”: “We’ve decided to drop our rates as soon as the Puerto Rico dump is closed, our government stops wasting taxpayers’ money on junkets and new cars, and government corruption is eradicated. In other words, never. Our government has no problem paying cell bills. Our government doesn’t even question their cell bills, because after all, it’s only taxpayers’ money. Since we make most of our money off of the government and big companies, why would we ever drop the rates?”
Cellulina’s frankness was appreciated, but nonetheless, I am outraged. I just totaled up my cell bill from last year, and if my figures are right, it appears I could have either bought the Tinian ferries or paid for the removal of Cindy Crawford’s mole.
POKER ARCADES. I don’t care who you are and what you say, but operating a poker arcade is no different than selling crack. Why? Because poker arcades create and attract addicts, whether they are addicted to playing poker, smoking ice, or picking their nose. Poker arcades breed bad behavior and corrupt the heart, mind, and soul of the individual. The poor, innocent attendants who get murdered or maimed are the true victims, but they are not alone. What about the neglected children of poker addicts? If anyone even considers justifying why poker is good for the CNMI, you either own a poker arcade or are an addict. I dare Paul Pokeretta or any other Poker Mafioso to write a rebuttal. Go ahead and try me, because I’d love to write more about the social pariah you call a business. In any case, may God have mercy on the owners of poker arcades, because you’re making money off of people’s weaknesses and desolation. How do you sleep at night knowing that you are wrecking people’s lives?
On another note, isn’t it interesting how poker arcades report so little earnings when it comes to paying taxes, yet when they get robbed, they claim to lose in one day nearly $20,000? Hmmm, anyone doing the math here?
Hotel Street. We need to rename Hotel Street. How about Hooker Street? Or Sewage Street? Or “I Don’t Have A Permit But I’m Selling Vegetables From My Pickup” Street. It seems our government officials think tourists truly love it when pimps, hookers, or bargirls stand along the walkway yelling “Irishaimase, Doozo, come waste $200 on ladies drinkies desu!” Putting up nice trees and sidewalks is nice, but you aren’t covering up the real filth. Like the saying goes, “You can put a dress on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”
We will never have what Tumon Bay has so long as we have sleazy bars and trashy stores that are nothing but a front for prostitution. Government officials, do you really want to clean Hotel Street? Start with a bulldozer and a raid by the Division of Immigration.
Elaine Apatang. What a woman. Brains, beauty, and a big heart. Elaine went to the U.S. on a grueling 100 mile a day bike-riding fund-raiser to raise money and awareness for HIV and AIDS. She is an inspiration to many here. God bless her heart. You go girl!
Mayor Tudela. Our mayor is the real deal. He and his staff seem to be everywhere, cleaning, fixing, repairing, paving…you name it, they’re doing it. Mayor Tudela is a humble man who passes the praises and credit to his hardworking staff. I’ve had the pleasure of working with the Mayor’s Office, and I am so impressed by their professionalism and work ethics. Keep up the great work!
Acting MVA Managing Director Vicky I. Benavente and MVA. Mrs. Benavente and MVA seem to be more aggressive than ever in trying to bring in visitors. They are coming up with a lot of great ideas and should be commended for it. They did a splendid job on bringing in the Irish Soccer National Team.
Now if we could only bring in a professional hockey team, since hockey is so big on Saipan. Maybe MCV could sponsor it. Unnnnnnbeatable!
ED PROPST
Susupe, Saipan
