By BC Cook – For Variety
IN recent weeks we talked about a plague that infects the islands and many parts of the world. Violence within the home has reached pandemic proportions, but the most tragic thing is that, unlike many diseases that attack the body, domestic violence is preventable.
Because we do not understand the problem we carry many wrong ideas about physical abuse. Let us look closely at some common misconceptions and try to clear them up.
The victims bring the violence upon themselves. This is an attempt to shift the blame from the one committing the act to the one being mistreated. It is like blaming a bank for getting robbed because they have a lot of money, or a woman being raped because she is sexy. It is a way of saying that a person is not responsible for battering another because the other person did something worthy of being beaten, and that is the lie. No one deserves to be beaten. Often a batterer says something like, “You know what sets me off so don’t do those things.” To accept that logic is to take the blame for getting beat.
Some people do not mind being beaten. Usually, this misconception is based on knowing someone who is abused but chooses to remain with the abuser. Outsiders conclude that if she did not like being treated that way she would leave, so obviously she does not mind. It is a mistake to believe that. Many women think they do not have a choice. They want to leave but where? Do they take the children? Many people are willing to let her move in for a while but what about after that? How does she prevent her partner from tracking her down and beating her further? Until she has satisfying answers to these questions and many more she stays where she is.
Batterers are violent with everyone so you know who they are. Batterers can be charming to friends and co-workers, even kind to their spouse if someone else is around. When they get behind closed doors the violence erupts. Often a victim knows when they have done something that will result in beating when they get home and consequently try to stay in the public view. This dual personality of the attacker leads to confusion. Violence occurs and we say, “He was such a great guy. I can’t believe he would do something like this.”
Alcohol is the real reason people beat their partners. This is just another way to shift the blame off the abuser. Just like blaming the victim, it is a way of saying that we are not responsible for our actions, that some outside force controls us, so we cannot be held accountable. Even many victims fall into this trap, reasoning that if only their partner would stop drinking the violence would stop. This is not very likely. After all, most drinkers do not beat their partners. In any case, the abuser chooses to drink alcohol, so they are still making a choice that results in violence.
You can change a batterer if you change too. Once again, the victim is taking blame for the violence. It could be that everyone needs to make changes. Perhaps the victim is doing something that causes their partner to become enraged. Perhaps not. In no case is beating an appropriate solution. Trying to stop the violence by making changes to yourself is ignoring the real problem. The batterer must change.
Dr. BC Cook taught history for 30 years and is a director and Pacific historian at Sealark Exploration (sealarkexploration.org). He currently lives in Hawaii.
